I am so sad right now, on the verge of tears sad. Ceric & Bayana picked me up at our normal 9:45 pick up date, we arrived at the baby house, I got all of Z’s toys and blanket out and then the head doctor came in to talk w/ Bayana. It seems that one of the pipes broke and it is being fixed today. The lower level of the baby house is very cold and they wanted to bring the children up to the meeting room to warm up while the pipe is fixed today. (I did ask if I could just bring Z to my hotel where it was warm, and that was a 'no.' Do they think that I am going to flee Aqtobe with her? My heavens, I don't speak enough Russian to even get a cab or plane ticket.) This means no visit for two days in a row, and if that isn’t hard enough, Z’s caregiver didn’t know of the change so she brought Z up to see me. While I loved on Zahri for just a bit, her caregiver was telling Bayana that all day yesterday, starting just after breakfast, Zahri cried, she thought it was because Z was missing our time together and realized that I wasn’t coming for her. Could this be true? This was my fear in yesterday; this was my fear in leaving her for the month while I went back to the states. Does she already know that I come to see her after breakfast and again after lunch? Does she already look forward to seeing me and playing with me? Does she cry for me and our time together? The thing is that Zahri isn’t a crying baby, she rarely cries at all, so if she cried all day yesterday, that tells me that maybe she does know and maybe she does look forward to our time together already. Today when her caregiver brought her in to me, Z had outstretched arms ready for me to come get her, and she was smiling. And then, not 2 minutes later, I had to give her back to her caregiver, it was like a mean joke. That poor little soul, I ache for her today. I am sorry that you are sad Z.
Today, I am all the more certain that I cannot leave, she needs this time with me and she looks forward to it. Today was officially Bonding Day #12.
I cannot stay couped up in my room today, I would only get more and more sad, so I think that I will walk over to the mall to just walk around and possibly get a pastry and tea.
Today sucks!
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Izaak, Elijah & Ty 'Bear'
Cousins (Izaak wants to name my daughter (his cousin) Isabella, Sant (for 'Santa') or Hershey (his friend's dog's name.) Hmmmm I told him that if we name her 'Hershey,' that would mean that we get to give her a lot of kisses.
Kolter Matthius Simon
Littlest Cousin......possibly. Kolter may indeed be the same age as his little girl cousin in Kaz. :)
15 comments:
Chris -
I don't doubt for a moment that she is responding out of her sudden need for you in her world. I don't think that people give children enough credit - it seems to me that they are much more sensitive than we sometimes realize. I am sure she misses you and your time together, but I also know that she will be okay. Chin up, Chris. She will be fine and from now on she will know that you are her mommy and you are not going to leave her. This is exactly WHY you knew you needed to stay. You are following your mommy instincts and you are doing a great job. I know it must be tough, but hang in there - you guys will both be okay.
P.S. Check your email - I have a question for you. :) Sorry to all of you that read this post, (I know that this is probably terrible blog etiquette - if there is such a thing) but it is a question that I need answered quickly. Audrey
Christy
I am so sorry that today sucked. However it is a clear indication of the love you already have for Z and the love she has for you. It shows that you two are bonding and that things are going to be great. I am sure that there will be many more sucky days down the road, this is just a little speed bump.. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.
Hang in there we are all routing for you, bonding is almost over and you will be on to court.
Hugs for you today.
Sandi
hey Christy--i'm so sorry you didn't get too see your precious Z today too. It does suck!! I think you are totally right on with staying with her-your instincts are right on. I can't believe you are already on day 12-it seems to have flown by. I hope today goes by quickly for you and you get out and about today. Maybe buy yourself something warm at the market or a horse burger or something.
all your friends are saying a prayer for you and Z today.
{{{hugs}}}
Oh my heart aches for both of you. Isn't it weird how intuitive kids are. Today is almost over, just a few hours until you can see her again.
Jill
What a total bummer! At least you had a couple of minutes of cuddle time and Z was in your arms for a brief moment today. Keep the faith, Christy. Your next visit will be all the more special when you see each other.
Pamela
Christy,
Besides her crying for you, you wrote "Z had outstretched arms ready for me to come get her, and she was smiling."
It proves that she recognizes you and knows that you love her, she's safe with you, and important to you. This is the stuff that attachment is made of.
Children and babies understand time by the order of activities, so I have no doubt that she expects you after breakfast and lunch, and knows that that time is special time for her, a time when she feels like the center of the universe. She's right, because she is to you.
Whatever you're doing with your time with Z is just what she needs. Tomorrow will come quickly, and soon you won't have to worry about "when" you can see Z, she will be with you forever. I know that can't come soon enough, but it is soon compared to forever.
Suz
Oh Christy - What a horrible day! The only positive note is that it shows how attached she is getting to you which hopefully will make the transition to your home with her easier.
Hopefully this will make you laugh - In SD it is as cold as in Kaz (well maybe it just feels that way!) It was NEGATIVE 11 F when I left this morning to take the kids to daycare. I dressed them in layers just like you mentioned with little Z. Kaidan looked like a little mummy and Alanna couldn't walk to the van. They all thought I was nuts - of course in my hurry to get them dressed and out the door - guess who didn't even have a hat and mittens and only slip on shoes! At least I thought far enough ahead to put socks on! Guess I'm not cut out to be a Kaz woman - I can't imagine trying to carry 3 kids into daycare in stilletto heels on ice! Take care - I hope you had a chance to see the market and just think in a few hours you'll get to see Z again! Stacy
Hi Christy,
I'm so sorry you are having such a bad day. I also agree with what everyone else has said. Little Z has obviously come to expect your visits and misses you. This is a good thing! Also sounds like her routine has been disrupted which probably has her a little out of sorts too. Does sound like your mommy instincts are right on.
You know that old saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Well, tomorrow will be just wonderful. Try to enjoy your time today exploring and do something that you might not be able to do once she is with you full time -- wander the malls for hours, watch a movie (do you have a dvd player?),eat out at a nice quiet restaurant, enjoy an expensive glass of awful wine... ;)
I too cannot believe you are on day 12!! Time has flown by and soon enough she will be with you forever.
Hugs,
Alysa
Hang in there, Sweetie!!
Hang in there! You make me really rethink this two trip thing, thanks a lot ;-) You guys definitely are already mommy and daughter, that's for sure!
Hugs,
Shannon
Hi Christy! I am so sorry to hear that you and Z are feeling down about not seeing each other. It is a good sign to see her attaching to you so much already but of course the realization comes at the expense of her and your unhappiness. Try not to get too down and realize that still again your only real course of action here is to just last. Unfortunately you can't control the actions of the babyhouse and you still have to make it over a few more obligatory hurdles. So I would say to you, reserve as best you can your emotional energy since you will need it to carry you through the remaining time there. It would be nice to think once we get to Kaz that we have made it through but the truth is (as you can testify to) that the time in country can be very draining and discouraging and of course this comes at a time when we have already expended so much physical, mental and emotional energy already that we feel we are running on empty. And in fact I imagine most people are running on mere fumes at this point. But even fumes can get you to the end Christy - just try not to let yourself get too down - take heart in the ABSOLUTE FACT that you are closer to the end then you have ever been before - it is within sight - keep your eye on the prize and you will be there before you know it. Sending good vibes you and baby Z's way!
Hi Chris, I am so sorry you did not get to see Zahria today. Just think that the day you will be together forever is very close. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.
Catalina
Oh my - sweet woman. What a heartbreaking day. We TOTALLY know how hard all of this is - and it sucks that you couldn't visit with your little one today. And I think she absolutely knows who you are and yes, she looks forward to your time with her. You are bringing light and love into her world! This process is grueling in ways that are inexplicable. And you are in the middle of it all. We are SO with you and feel for you so much. It is a beautiful, complicated, painful thing, this whole bonding period.
Oh, I could have lived forever without thinking of her waiting for you and you weren't there. That IS cruel! And just as cruel for her as it is for you. After reading the blog today, I'm more certain than ever that staying there would be best for her. You are her mama, and your souls know each other. I'm sure I've told you this a million times, but one of the most apt quotes I ever read was "Being a mother means having your heart walk around outside of your body." Isn't that true? Does this mean you can't see her tomorrow, either?
-Beck.
My provider was down last night so I couldn't get to your blog---good thing, too, as I wouldn't have slept all night thinking about how miserable you were! Silver lining---no attachment disorders on your horizon!!!! Z is obviously already attached to you---and soon to all of us. She will have such a great support system from now on! I just can't wait until the end of Feb. and this is all just a memory and you have Z in your arms "forever more"! I have a feeling that she will love you as much as I do!
Mom
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