Book Reviews

"Adopting on Your Own - The Complete Guide to Adopting as a Single Parent," By Lee Varon

Enlightening! This book really made me think about choosing to be a single parent, and about choosing to be a single parent through adoption. At the end of each chapter there are exercises and questions to ponder regarding parenting as a single. One exercise asked that I list 5 pros to parenting as a couple and 5 pros to parenting as a single. Ponder, Ponder, Ponder....that was a tough exercise! As the book mentioned, many of us single adopters have put off starting a family in the hope to begin a traditional family someday soon (which turns into being 30, 35, 40, 45 and sometimes even 50 years old before the denial of 'it may just not be in the stars' kicks in and we decide to do it on our own), so having to find the positives in being a single parent by choice is a tall order. Following are a couple paragraphs from this book that really struck me:

"There is nothing in this world that's worth doing that isn't going to scare you. Adoption is a lifelong commitment to another person, and given the enormity of this commitment, it would be unusual if we didn't feel some fear." (I have pondered this paragraph often this past week. :)

"Although for some single people the idea of creating a family on their own has always felt like a satisfying choice, others go through a mourning process as they reach an age at which they hoped to begin a family with a partner. This mourning is like other forms of grieving, with stages of denial, blame and anger, bargaining, sadness, and depression, and finally acceptance and moving on. It is important to allow yourself to grieve for the family you may have envisioned with a partner, so that you can make space for the reality of another kind of family - one with you and your child or children."

"A 1991 study by Victor Groze and James Rosenthal found that adopted children in single-parent homes experienced fewer emotional and behavioral problems than did children adopted by two parents. They found single adoptive parents to be emotionally mature with a high threshold for tolerating frustration and a low susceptibility to the prejudices and judgments of others. Single adoptive parents were found to have a self-sufficient nature and solid emotional boundaries that create a safe space for a child who has known disruptions and difficulties in early attachments."

"Single adoptive parents are highly motivated to be parents & place a priority on their role as a parent."

"If your friends have chosen to remain child-free, they may feel threatened and insecure about their own lifestyle choices. You become a constant reminder of the path they have chosen not to take. They may also fear that they will lose the closeness of your friendship."

"One night I was in my office till ten o'clock and I realized: The reason I'm here is because I don't have a reason to go home. I didn't really need to be there. "(This has so been me!)

"In regards to the prospect of a donor insemination, "The thought of getting pregnant by an unknown person felt uncomfortable to me. Also I had no desire to go through pregnancy without a partner." (This is so what I feel too!)

This is a must read for all single adoptive parents! :)